New

So this past week I have spent it in Myrtle beach with my youth group from Crossroads. It was an amazing trip, and I was able to learn more about myself and God. I haven't always been in love with myself and there are many times were I havent thought I was good enough because of what others have said to me. Before this trip I have never really gone up to someone and asked them if I could pray for them, and I have never really talked to anyone other than Duke, Marissa, Dawn, and one or two other people about what is going on in my life. However this past week I was able to walk up to someone else and tell them a little about my life and then I asked them if I could pray for them. I was also able to tell the whole group what was going on in my life and what God had been doing. I have been challenging myself to view every situation as "what would Raymond and God want me to do". By having myself think in that manner I have turned negative situations into positives and have been able to see how fortunate I am. I am amazed at how many lives an 8 year old boy has changed, and then I think about what I have done for God and it doesnt even compare, he never complained, cried, he was a friend to everyone, and he shared Christ every where he went.

All for Him

With my brother no longer physically in my life it is quiet and not as enjoyable, but there is a reason for everything. My brother has suffered many medical issues and he is now in God's arms and he will no longer be in pain, no longer have to go to the hospital, no longer have to suffer, no longer have to deal with sin. My brother was a very special boy who lived for God. We had to keep him out of church for awhile since it was a large church and he could not afford to get sick. One day when we took him he decided to get up on the stage and sit next to the teacher, he later interrupted the teacher to finish the bible story. Raymond loved listening to bible stories and showing God's love to others. There were numerous time where he showed how we should act like Christ. One time he feel at our lake house and hit his chin on the fire place, we drove him all the way back to Duke and he sat still, with no drugs and was stitched up and when the doctors were finished he thanked them. He later had to get stitches in his head and again he got them without drugs and again he stayed still the whole time and thanked the doctors again. He was not even 3 years old when he had to get stitches in his head and chin. He has had to go through 5 open heart surgeries and he is so strong and never gave up that he survived every one, even though doctors told us numerous times that he should not be alive. After going to First Grade for a week he got the H1N1 virus and he was admitted into the hospital and later put on full life support. When he was taken off he was not ready to be taken off and it had to be an emergency surgery, and doctors said that he had slim chances of surviving ; but God pulled him through and he lived several more months, and he was walking and talking eating and working on puzzles soon after. While in Michigan a central line had to be put into him, and normally individuals are sedated for this procedure, but he was not, and because God was living in him he was able to comforted the doctor when he reached up and stroked her arm. That doctor later told my parents that "that child has Jesus living in him"(or something like that). No matter where Raymond has been he has brought many people to Christ because of his story and I am grateful to have had him in my life and to be able to call him my brother. He has taught me that we have to be happy with what we have, and that we should never give up, and that having a relationship with God is the most important thing in the world, because you wont always have materials, friends, parents, siblings, a job, or even your life, and that you need to make most of what you have while you have it. I am grateful that I had such an incredible brother who I was able to learn a lot from and be able to come closer to God because of him. I may not like the plan that God had for him, and I may be upset that I do not have my brother around anymore but I know that he is in better hands and that he will always be watching out for me like he always has. I will always love you and remember you Raymond. <3 6-11-2002-7-9-2010 <3. In honor of Raymond I am planning on opening a dance studio, because one of our favorite things to do together was to have dance parties in my room, so I want to honor him in that way.

What I love about you

My brother was my first true friend, and he was like a son to me. We did everything together. There would be days where he would crawl into my bed around 2 am and put his arm around me. We played sports together, and I allowed him to drive our jet ski faster than my mom allowed him to go. We used to cook dinner together and have movie nights and he would sit on my lap and we would hold hands. There are many things that I am going to miss about him. He was such a kind, strong, brave, amazing child, who loved to please people and make others laugh and have a good time. I cannot express how much he meant to me, and how much he still means to me.

I will miss:
his curly blond hair
his smile
his laugh
holding his hand
holding him in my arms
laying with him
his hugs
his kisses
taking him and picking him up from school
seeing him get out of the car with his book bag on that he got from Dawn that was big on him and watching him try and carry his lunch box at the same time
early morning wake up calls at the lake
driving the boat and jet ski with him
having dinner with him
watching him use chop sticks
watching movies with him
having him carry my purse around
putting hair clips in his hair
taking care of him
going to his soccer games
having him come to my soccer games and football games when I was in marching band
having him in the car
listening to him sing his random songs
having him take over chores
his millions of questions
having him ask what time is it
playing on the swing set with him
playing soccer in the back yard with him
teaching him math problems
working with him on his school work
having him go shopping with me
his discussions on how i need to eat healthy and clean my room
his funny sayings
having him say my name
having him tell me I love you
the random dance parties we had together
watching nc state games with him
playing air hockey and wii
having him beat me in memory and hi ho cheerios
listening to him play my instruments
packing his lunch with him
having you not drive your cars around our yard
celebrating you birthday with you
not having you around for my birthday or to see me get married or have kids
finding random juice boxes everywhere from where you put them down
eating watermelon and mint choc. chip ice cream with you
not having a back seat driver
doing puzzles with you
going on tube rides
and watching you grow up

I love you and will miss many things about you but you will always be remembered and you will always be in my heart
Love you
6-11-2002 - 7-9-2010

Death

Many of us are afraid to die, we don't know where we are going, we don't like to leave loved ones behind, we are afraid it might hurt and many other reasons. I have recently got to watch an individual die, my brother. He was only eight but he had gone through so many medical problems, and he had been in pain for a long time, and he was not going to be getting any better. His health had gotten so bad that he was unable to talk, open his eyes, and he could hardly move his arms up and down. Raymond was an incredible fighter and he was such a strong individual. On Friday morning, the day after we brought him home he looked like he was suffering a lot so my parents decided that it was necessary to speed up the process because we did not want him to suffer. His drugs were turned off, but because he is such a fighter he lasted longer than what was suspected. Raymond lasted almost 3 hours after the meds were turned off. Raymond is now in a better place where he will be watching over my family and living a better, happier life in Heaven. We all loved him and we will all miss him a lot.

I love you Raymond June 11th, 2002-July 9th, 2010.

giving up

When is the right time to give up? To me I think saying that something is impossible is going against God and your faith in him. I know that God can do anything and everything, we just have to put our faith and trust in him. I know that my brother has been through a lot in the past 10 months, but I still think that he will pull through. The doctors at Duke and Michigan both think that he will not make it, and they both do not want to give him a heart because they think he is to high of a risk. Raymond is not the person who he used to be, he can barley sit up, he is not talking/responding, he doesnt do puzzles, and he sleeps most of the day. Since Raymond is not responding to questions by shaking his head or saying yes or no we have a hard time figuring out what he wants and needs and if he is alright. We do not want him to be in pain or unhappy and it is hard for us to read him at times. Doctors have had meetings with my parents every monday saying that Raymond is dying and that there isnt much more that we could do for him. The doctors at Michigan want us to transport him back to Duke so he can have a quality of life, and my parents have to start thinking about taking things off of him. My parents do not know if Raymond is happy or if he just wants this to be over with, so they are having a hard time deciding what to do. If it was me I would keep fighting because there are times where I see the old side of Raymond shinning through. I know that God has a plan for him and it may not be the plan that I want but I know either way it will be perfect. If Raymond does end up going he will be in a better place but he will be missed a lot and my life wont be the same without him. Raymond is a fighter and I know that if he was given a heart he would pull through and be back to himself but the doctors are not willing to give him one. God will never leave us or forsake that and Raymond knows that because as soon as some Christian music was turned on today in his room he perked up and started smiling a lot. I wish I could be more like Raymond he is such a fighter, and he loves everyone even if they make mistakes. He is such an incredible person and I love him a lot.

the hardest part

My brother turned 8 on June 11th, 2010. We have always done pretty much everything together. He used to come into my room late at night and sleep with me because he was scared. We had movies night together and he would always sit by me or in my lap. As soon as I would get home from school the first thing I would do was hold him and play with him. We would ride around in his motorized cars together, and swing on our swing set together. I also have taught him many things. He had started to learn how to cook some things such as mac-n-cheese, nachos, spaghetti sauce, and a few other things. We worked on school work together along with his speech assignments, and I was beginning to work on some math skills with him before he went into the hospital. Now everything has changed, my brother and I cant even do our regular bed time routine. We used to always give each other hugs and a kiss before we go to bed and I would tuck him in but now that he is at the hospital there are many days that I havent even been able to say good night to him. I also miss holding him, and us wrestling. He is currently bed ridden because his tummy is so big and he is not feeling well he does not like to get out of bed. I also miss not having to take him to school and pick him up, that used to be a time where we would bond and talk about random things. We would also pack his school lunch together and he loved that because he I would give him what he wanted but I also made sure it was healthy. It has been hard to see him be able to do so many things to just be in a bed all the time. He still shows some signs of himself though. He recently was fighting me for some coke. He has said hey and ren wont give me coke, and he has also given stuff to Michelle when I have asked for it. Only God knows what is going to happen with him, so for now I am just going to be there for him, and love him like I always have.

the missing part

Today my family went out to BD a Mongolian grill in MI, except it wasnt my whole family, Raymond Jr. was missing. It was hard to be there without him, one of his favorite places to eat is at crazy fire and that BD is similar to that crazy fire, they have the same type of food and atmosphere. Raymond loves to be in a atmosphere that are loud, social, and friendly, and he especially loved to be with friends and family. Family is important and it is hard to do things with out a family member especially if you are close to that family member. I always imaged doing certain things with my brother. I have always imagined that he was going to be involved and in my wedding, and that he would help me raise my children. I have always thought that my brother would be an amazing father, so I have always imagined that he would assist me with my children and help them become more like him since he is a great role model. However I do not know if my brother will be around to participate in certain events in my life. If he is not around I will at least honor him in those events, and I will definitely tell my children about him. My brother is a great role model, and person to be around, and I can't imagine my life without him, but if it is his time to go I know that he will be in God's hands and he will be in a great place.

goals

goals for this summer:
-to visit Raymond
-to spend quality time with friends
-to go to the pool at least one
-complete summer classes with an A
-to read half of the old testament-but not just read it, learn it
-to become a better friend and Christian
-to just enjoy the time I have
-try and figure out which college I am going to after Wake Tech

goals in life:
-to life out my life for God
-to possibly open up a Christian dance studio
-to be the best person I can be
-finish a degree in early childhood education
-achieve a degree in a ministry field
-possibly achieve a degree in dance
-to be a good wife
-have children and be a good mother
-have a house

I want my life to be all for my Father, the whole who gave me everything. He gave me life, a family, a brother that has changed me forever, a house. I want to give back what God has given me, and hopefully I will be able to by teaching children how to dance, if that is what God wants me to. God has a plan for me, and I do not know what it is but when He shows me I hope that I will obey.

my second love

my first love: God
second love: Raymond

complications

When life starts to get bad should we run away and hide, NO. Should we turn against the ones who have always been there for us, No. Should we change who we are, NO. But that is what we tend to do, we tend to change our identity, desires, and wants, based on what is going on around us. However there is someone that never changes and He is the almighty, all powerful, all knowing, never ending, He is the one in control and He is the Lord, Savior, and Father Jesus Christ. There have been many complications in my life in the last couple of months...almost a year. My brother has been through a lot and he has almost been in a hospital for a year now. He was first at Duke, then Levine, and now he is at Michigan and they are trying to get him stable enough to transport him back to Duke to to have a quality of life and just wait to die. I havent been around him to see all the complications that have occurred because when he was first at Duke there were restrictions on who was allowed in the hospital. However yesterday July 2nd I was around to experience two complications. My family was out having lunch while my brother was getting his dialysis treatment, and when we got back we walked into his room which was chaotic. There were many nurses trying to fix the machine and figure out what to do, because the water in the machine stopped working, so the treatment had to be stopped and they had to give him his blood back. As soon as that machine was out another nurse was rolling in an x-ray machine. Then things started to calm back down and Raymond started to interact a little more. Then right before we were about to go get some food I notice that Raymond was bleeding from his bottom, and that started around 7ish or so. The blood wouldnt stop coming as soon as some of it was cleaned up there would be more. We were measuring every little drop that we possibly could. The doctors ended up having to give him 2 bags of red blood cells along with two other blood products to help the bleeding to stop. We had many nurses come in and try and figure out why he was bleeding and what was causing it, and we did some more x-rays. The bleeding did not stop till well after 3 I believe, but I left to go back to the Ronald McDonald House because I was so tired and I wanted to get some sleep so I could help Raymond the next day and I knew that he was in good hands. I came back to the hospital around 9ish this morning, and things have definitely calmed down a lot, and Raymond seems to be a little more comfortable. There have also been other complications that have occurred in my life. I have had to learn how to juggle going to college, along with working full time at ITB, being a parent, and a adult who is in charge of the house, and also having my first serious relationship all at once. The experiences that I have been given over this time have been excellent and bad all at the same time. I have had to learn how to manage my time and get everything done, how to be patient, understanding, forgiving, grateful, and much more. I have learned what a true friend should be, and what I need to do in order to be that kind of friend. I have changed over the past couple of months and I can say that I am love who I am becoming. I have fallen in love with myself and it has taken a long time to get to that point but the experience of realizing it was absolutely amazing, but it was all because of God. I have also fallen more in love with God and have put more faith and trust in him which has helped me be content with what is occurring in my life. I am loving my "new" life, and the "new" me. I do not want to go back to the old me where I wasnt loving myself, or treating my friends how I shouldnt be, and not giving my time to God.

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th is known as a day where a lot of bad things will occur, and yesturday Friday the 2nd was like Friday the 13th. Raymond was having a pretty good day and he was interacting more than he normally does, and then he started dialysis and it was going well till the water in the machine was not working the right way or there wasnt enough. So the treatment had to stop and they had to give him his blood back, but he did not get all of it back. After that he got some x-rays and things were starting to get better again. Raymond had said hey to me and he had his eyes open for longer amounts of time. Then right before we were going to get some dinner I notived that he had a full diapper of blood. As we were getting that diapper off of him more blood started to come out of him and he had blood come out of him from around 6-after 10. We ended up having to give him 2 things of blood along with two other blood products. During this time Raymond was interacting with us a lot, he had his eyes open most of the time he was reaching out for us to hold his hands and he said another word to me, and he would also answer some questions. It may seem at times like there is no God because bad things are occuring but there is, because Raymond is still alive after being on ECMO, he has survived 5 open heart surgeries, he has learned how to walk, talk, eat, etc 3 times. Psalms 32:7 says "you shall be my hiding place, you shall preserve me from trouble you shall surround me with songs of deliverance." God is our hiding place, He is the one we can always go to with our troubles and when we are in need, and He knows what is best even when we think there is a better way. Psalm 32:11 Be glad in the Lord and rejoice you righteous and shout for joy all you upright in heart. It is hard to be glad and joyful all the time but we were given the chance to live and we are free because God died on the cross for us, so we should praise him in the good and the bad.

MI

Michelle and I both arrived in the MI airport close to 8pm. We were in our brother's room around 30-45 minutes later. Raymond has changed a lot since he has been at Duke hospital. Before Raymond came to MI he was talking and responding to us, but couldn't really walk, and wasn't eating a lot on his own. Now Raymond will hardly respond to our questions, he sleeps most of the day, and we hardly ever get to see his eyes open. The second day that we were here we had a party outside. There was a band that was playing and another patient that was in a car accident came over and talked to Raymond for a little while. Raymond ended up opening his eyes for a good amount of time while we were outside. He later allowed me to feed him some of his b-day cake, and some sherbet, and he also had some watermelon later. Raymond was later visited by a singer who sang some Christian songs, and he had his eyes open the whole time for one of the songs. Raymond has been missing Buddy our dog, and while we were outside a golden retriever came and visited him, and even gave him a kiss. It takes a lot of effort to get Raymond outside, we had his bed, his vent, med lines, transportable suction machine, transportable ox stat, meds, and many other supplies. Raymond enjoyed just being outside, we ended up staying outside for about 6 hours, and he looks a lot better since he was in the sun. Our family is currently staying at the Ronald Mc Donald House which is right across the street and we end up walking back around 12-1pm to get some sleep before coming over early the next morning.