last couple of months

My life has been up and down and going in all different directions in the last well nine months.

Lets see my father was in the hospital for being burnt trying to start a pig cookerThen a week after that Rj or Raymond Jr was put in the hospital-he had caught the H1N1 virus and was put on full life support a week after being admitted to Duke and then had to have an emergency surgery to come off of it because bubbles were in the machine and he had failed all the test before and he was given 8% chance of survival and he is still here today because of God
Luckily during this I had some pretty amazing friends

I had started to become closer friends with Marissa Kernand towards the end of 2009 i was in a relationship with my best friend Duke
they both have been there for me and supported me through everything
they are my best friends and hopefully it will always stay that way

There were some other friends that have helped me out a lot and that I am grateful to have and they are Kevin, Hannah, Cassandra, Dawn, the whole Potter family, Andrews, many people at ITB

Duke and I have recently broke up more many reasons but the experience was memorable, and what I have learned will stay with me for the rest of my life. I am grateful to have had such an incredible man in my life. He showed me how to be more like Christ, how I could be a better person, and he made me realize that I was better than what I thought.

Life will never be how you expect it there will be paths that you may not want to take, and experience you would have never have wanted to experience. However God is the director in everyone's life and I am glad that He is directing mine otherwise I have no idea what I would be doing. I am glad that God has never given up on me and that He has forgiven me of all my mistakes, without second guessing.

:)

My sister and I are getting on a plane and flying to Michigan tom. to see our brother. We havent seen him since... I cant even remember.

importance

My main goal in life is to make God famous. My life wont be of any importance until that task is done. This task may seem complicated, but if you think about it is actually simple. Making God famous could be as simple as showing God's love in simple ways, such as giving a hug to someone who is going through a hard time. God commands us to love Him and to love others, and when we obey Him we are making Him famous. Just imagine our whole world trying to make the one true God famous, our world would be a glorious place. There have been days that I have not shown God's love and have not shown the Christian side of me that I want me to know. We all need someone that can hold us accountable and can help us stand strong against Satan who is trying to make this task impossible. But when two or more come together to honor God great things occur. So I am going to challenge everyone that knows me to hold me accountable that if you see me not honoring God or not doing my best that you tell me right then. I need help to complete this task and to make my life meaningful for Him. I would love to one day honor God by open a Christian dance studio where I can teach young children about God's love and teach them the beauty of dance. I believe that I can do this because I have God on my side, and because He has given me the talent to teach as well as dance. I can't wait to see what He does through me.

Lies

There are many lies that our world has begun to believe, and many of them are caused by Satan. Satan loves to try and tear us down, and make us believe stuff about ourselves that are not true. I have been caught up in some of the lies and I had changed who I was because of them. Some of the lies that I have been holding onto that I have recently given to God are:
-That I am not worthy or good enough for anything
-That I will never be a good enough daughter
-That I will never be a good girlfriend/wife
-That I wont be a good mom
-That I am not smart enough
-That I am not a good enough friend
All of those lies are NOT true! God has given everyone a purpose and a plan and He tells us that in Jer 29:11. God created everyone in His image so we are ALL worthy, good enough, and beautiful.

Kern's

I have never been the girl to have many girlfriends, because I am a tomboy. Many of the girls that I knew did not like to play sports because they were afraid of breaking a nail or being gross, so my group of friends normally consisted of guys. However in the past year or so I have started to become really good friends with the Kern twins. I first meet Marissa at Crossroads around a year or so ago...we don't even remember when. We first just started to hang out at church more, but then we did some double dates with Kevin and Duke. Marissa has been an amazing friend and she has helped me through a lot of rough times, and has helped me make sense out of my crazy life. She holds me accountable and is always there when I need her. Now for crazy Beth who I have just recently started to hang out a little more with. Beth is an incredible person to be around, and there is never a dull moment when she is around. Her personality and craziness is what I enjoy most about her, and I hope to continue to get to know her even more. Both of the Kern's are amazing and I am glad that I have had the chance to get to know them. I love both of yall.

The perfect boyfriend

Many people think the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend is someone with a great body, is popular, and is on a sports team. To me the perfect boyfriend isn't the sexy guy with the big muscles who has to prove himself on a sports field. The perfect man for me is a Christian guy, who will hold me accountable, be there for me, support me,not judge me, but encourage me, and love me even when I mess up. The perfect man is someone who will listen, he will protect me, not treat me as an item, and he will act himself around me. However there is NO such this a perfect man, because we ALL are sinners, and we ALL fall short of the glory of God. When it comes to being in a relationship you need to make sure that it is for the right reasons. Both individuals should have a strong friendship and feel like they can go to one another, it should be built on God's love and trust. A healthy relationship is only possible when God is involved, and you can't fully love someone else till you love God and yourself.

anger

My past has dictated how I am now, and I wish it didn't. Events with my parents and other individuals have caused me to be angry and hostile towards other individuals that I care about. I have been hurt a lot in my past and it has caused me not to be open or social with others that I love and care a lot about. I now realize how important it is to be open with others and how much others want me to share thing with them. I have had a hard time trusting others because of my past and this has caused me not to be open. Parents are supposed to be there for you during important events of your life and support you through everything. However because of my brothers condition my parents were unable to be there during important times in my life, and there have been times where they haven't supported me. My father and I have not had the best relationship over the past couple of years, but I am happy to say that I have recently forgiven him for what he has done. My past has caused me to be very angry and has not allowed me to be myself. I however have changed over the past couple of weeks because I have allowed God to change me and take all my burdens. When I gave God all my worries, burdens, and everything that I was holding onto it allowed me to change. I have now fallen in love with myself because I have realized that there is someone that will always be there for me, and that all the things I were believing were just lies. I am perfect because I was made in God's image and I can do anything and everything because of Him. I have changed because God has allowed me to and because His love and truth has fulfilled my heart and life. Having God be my true friend has helped me through everything. He has helped me realize that things happen for a reason and that I may not like them or that I may not like the timing that God chooses, but His plan is perfect. I am glad that God never stays angry at us for the sins that we have and that He forgives us and "brushes them under the carpet". I didn't understand how to forgive or the true meaning of forgiveness till my boyfriend and I broke up. I had many individuals that are important in my life talk to me about forgiveness and how God is always forgiving and that we should always forgive because He unconditionally forgives us. I am grateful that I have been forgiven of all my sins and that God hasn't given up on me. I can honestly say that I have been forever changed because of God and it is amazed.

friends

Friends are important to have, and you should keep your friends close to you. A true friend is hard to find, and hard to keep. I would say that I didn't have a true friend till recently. I was in a relationship with an amazing Christian guy who treated me better than I deserved, who held me accountable, and challenged me in many ways. Then our relationship ended and it seemed like I was loosing my best friend. To loose a friend is one of the hardest thing someone can go through, especially if they are your best friend, and a true friend. I know that I haven't "lost" him as a friend, and that he is still there for me, but things are different. It has been hard to go from talking to my best friend when ever I wanted, and needed, to having to just settle talking to other friends. A friend is someone who is supposed to be there whenever you need them, they are supposed to know you, and accept you for who you are, and also hold you accountable. I never had a friend like this till I was in my last relationship, all my other friends would talk about me as soon as I turned my back, or would cut me down, and they never built me up. I have been trying to find friends who would be a true friend and I have started to find some, but at the same time I have a hard time trusting others because of how I was treated in the past. I would say that the only true friends I have had are Duke and Marissa, but they will never compare to the friendship that God has given me. God has been there for me through everything, He has lifted me up when I was at my lowest, He has provided, and He is what a true friend is. I am happy to have God as my best and ultimate friend who I can always turn to no matter what time of day, or where I am at, He is EVERYTHING and more.

Growing up to fast

Our society is growing up to fast, with “having” to take more advanced classes, have a job, sports teams, clubs, and also juggle being part of a family and having a social life with friends. Childhood is important for children and when they have to grow up to fast they don’t get to make memories that will last a lifetime. I was forced to grow up when my brother was born eight years ago. With my brother having a major heart condition and having my parents focus on him and not be able to be there for certain events in my life I had to grow up fast. Since my brother was not fully recovered when school was starting back up again my sister and I had to come home and live with our neighbors till our parents could come home. I had to start middle school with out my parents and later I also started high school with out them. I also had to grow up and take many of the business responsibilities when Raymond was admitted into the hospital September 2009. I had to take over all the supply shopping, cutting the grass, moving furniture, and other small details. Even though growing up fast has been stressful at times, everything is under control and possible with God. God always has a plan and a purpose for everything and He will never leave us or forsake us.

Hope

It is hard to have hope when it seems like everything is falling apart, but there is someone that can give you hope through everything and that individual is Jesus. Jesus is not only a Savior, but a friend, Father, He is Everything. For He came for us, He came to take away our sins, He came to show us how to be more like Him and much more. Without the Savior there wouldn’t be hope, love, life, joy, a future,…..we wouldn’t be here without HIM. There have been many times were I didn’t have hope, because of what was going around me, and I didn’t but my faith and trust in God. When my brother was diagnosed with his condition I didn’t know what my family was going to do. I didn’t know what my parents were going to decide for Raymond. When my brother has his first open heart surgery I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I had no idea what to expect, and I had no idea why God was allowing this to happen to my brother. God is a healer and I kept thinking if He is such a powerful and mighty God why wont He just heal him right now, and stop all of his pain. It was hard watching my brother lay in a hospital bed weeks after weeks and not open his eyes or barley move. Then when my sister and I had to come home from Michigan to go to school and not be with our brother it was hard to just not be around him every day. When my brother came home for the first time it was an experience in itself. We were reunited as a family again, and we started to be a family again. Just having my brother in the house was a miracle in itself, and we got to see him smile, and fall in love with us. There were many struggles that our family had to learn how to deal with, such as keeping up with all of his medications, trying not to have him cry because it is already hard enough for him to breath, and then we had to deal with a feeding tube. I loved the time that I got to feed my brother because it was one on one bonding time with him, and even though it was hard because I had to hold the bottle above my head so it would go into the tube the right way. Our family had to give up many things when our brother came home but we did it because we love him, and he means a lot to us. We stopped going to our church Crossroads Fellowship because there were a lot of individuals that attended and we couldn’t risk getting an illness that we could bring home to him, because it could have possibly killed him. Raymond was able to accomplish many things that doctors never imagined he would have been able to. Raymond later had 2 more open heart surgeries and the third stage (his third operation) had to be reversed (which was his fourth open heart surgery). Raymond ended up having to learn everything over again after either his third and fourth surgery, which included everything from sitting up. Raymond had been able to sit up, stand, walk, run, talk, sing, site bible verses, eat on his own, and other small task, but after the 3/4^th surgery he wasn’t able to do any of those tasks till weeks after he home, and even then he had not fully mastered them. It is amazing what God can accomplish and the plans that He has and that medical individuals are able to operate on such small hearts, which is only possible by God. Raymond over time was able to gain back all the skills that he had lost after the operations, and almost 2 years later the third surgery was done again, and this time it was successful, and he came home quicker than he normally did. Raymond was able to go to kindergarten and he completed the year and he was on track. Raymond started and complete at least a week in First Grade, before he got the H1N1 virus, and was hospitalized at the beginning of September. He was then put on full life support a couple days after, and was on it for almost a full month and had to come off because there were bubbles in the machine and he had to come off. At that time it seemed like God wasn’t there, but in fact He was and had always been, because Raymond was still alive. We were all surprised that he survived coming off life support because he had failed many of the test runs before, but right before they took him off are whole family got together and prayed, and of course God answered, because He always does. Raymond was able to open all of his Christmas presents on his own, and he spoke to us and was involved and showing us that he was still himself. Raymond was later transported to Levine Children’s hospital and he was there for a month. When he came home for the first time after being in the hospital since September, he was able to walk into the house on his own which was a miracle. To see him walk into the house on his own gave me faith that everything was going to be alright with Raymond and with my life. Raymond has been back in forth in the hospital several times and he was transported to Michigan to try and get a new heart, but because he has so many organs failing he is unable to get a new heart, and the doctors are trying to get him ready to come home to try and recover at home till he can hopefully get a new heart. I never truly understand how God is always around, how he can give us hope, and everything we want until recently. I discovered that you can only fully yourself when you realize that God created you in His image and He created everyone perfectly. God also allowed me to forgive my father for past events that occurred over 10 years ago, and by doing this I came closer to God and was happier with myself. When we trust and have faith in God he shows us His plan and He gives us peace about everything that is going to occur. We may think that some situations are horrible but they occur for a reason and good things come out of every situation.

Family

Family is the most important thing an individual can have, besides a relationship with the creator of everything Jesus Christ. I am fortunate to have two parents that have stayed beside one another through everything that our family has been through. My family has lived in North Carolina for the past 18 yrs, and we are a Christian family that tries to go to church every Sunday. My mom also opened a Christian child care center 12 years ago. She was working at GE doing financial work, but she said that she got a calling from God to teach his children when she would start thinking of activities to do with children driving down the road, or at random times through out the day. She also realized the need of quality care for children, because of the child care center that I was at when I was a baby was not a quality one. I am also fortunate to have two siblings that have made my life a little more interesting. I have a 16 yr old sister-Michelle, and a 8 yr old brother-Raymond. When my sister and I were younger we used to play together all the time, we were best friends we were even on the same soccer team, shared the same room, but things started to change and we grew distant and we stopped having each others back, we didn't treat one another like best friends. I remember the day my mother told my sister and I that she was pregnant with a boy, I had been praying for over two years to have another sibling, and I wanted it to be a boy. My parents took us out to one of our favorite fancy restaurants I don't even remember the name now because we don't even have time to go out to restaurants anymore and we don't have the money to spend on expensive meals. We were at a table by a big fish tank and my parents were on one side, and my sister and I were on the other my mom had a folder for her, and they asked us what we thought about having another sibling. Then my mom showed us some pictures of our baby brother, and at that time we didn't know that there were going to be any complications with him, but our parents told us that there is the possibly that he might not live or something could go wrong and he might not be how we think. My sister and I were ecstatic and we were able to go to the next appointment with our parents, and we got to see different pictures of him, and also hear his heart beat. It wasn't until an appointment or two later that our family realized that he was going to have some major health conditions. Raymond was diagnosed with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, which is a condition that causes the left side of the heart to not develop and it takes a 3 staged surgery to repair. The doctors wanted my mother to have an abortion but she knew that God would have things under control and that we would love him no matter what, and we had already fell in love with him before he was born. Our family interview many doctors/hospitals and we decided on University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. Raymond was born on June 11th in the morning and my parents were not even allowed to touch him before he was taken away to be worked on. I remember "sleeping" on a mattress in a closet and in a bigger room before I was allowed to see my brother, and I also remember not being able to sleep cause all I wanted to do was see him and hold his hand and my parents had to threaten me not being able to see him in order for me to go to sleep. The first time I saw him all I could remember was seeing his round cute face and his small hands and feet, he was perfect. It wasn't until a couple days later that I really started to notice all the chords. We were not allowed to hold him until Father's Day and even then it was only for a couple of minutes and then he had to be put back in bed. Raymond has had a rough road but he is a very happy child who has survived 5 open heart surgeries, full life support, had stitches in his head and chin, and is currently fighting for his life after being attacked by the H1N1 virus. Raymond has over come more than doctors have ever imagined, he has been able to talk, walk, run, play soccer, play musical instruments, add, subtract, write stories, drive his car, and many other things that normal children do. It is because of God, love from others, prayers, and his determination that he is here today. My life and my family's life wouldn't be the same without him in our life. He has taught us how to love, how to never give up, how to be strong in tough situations, and much more, he is a blessing to be around. I will always love you Raymond John Winter Jr.

because of Him

Over the past couple of years I have been trying to discover myself and figure out exactly what I stand for and what I want for myself. I have never truly been in love with myself till a couple days ago, and it was all because of my Father, Jesus. He allowed me to see myself for who I really was and He allowed me to fall in love with myself. There have been many times where I thought I was not good enough to eat, to have certain friends, etc, but that all changed. God is the answer to everything and if you are ever have a question about something it is in the bible. I was struggling with many things, such as being away from my brother while he is in a hospital at Michigan trying to get a new heart, hours at work and having to juggle them with school, and also being in a serious relationship at the same time, and many other things. However I did not allow the stress to consume me, I just went and read the bible more than I have in a long time, and I sincerely prayed to the Father who has always been there for me. The feeling of His presence is amazing and I have experienced it before, but never like this. He picked me up with all my burdens and He took every single one of them, He filled my heart with more joy than I have ever experienced, and He gave me peace about His plan, which I can honestly say that I know that His plan is bigger and better than I could ever imagine. In Jer. 29:11 it says "For I know the plans I have for you, Declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope, and a future". For the Lord knows the past, present and future and His plans for me have changed me in ways that I can never imagine. For He has made me love myself, he takes away my burdens, I have seen Him heal the sick, and He never gives up on us. I am proud to say that I am a Christian, and I hope to live out the rest of my life for my Father.