New Year

As 2010 is coming to an end I am starting to think about this upcoming year and the things that I want to accomplish.  Instead of setting a new years resolution this year I have decided that I am going to choose one word that I am going to focus on this upcoming year.

Example: presence:  I will be more present in the room, more present with my friends and relationships, have a more present relationship with God etc.

Some words that I have come up with so far but have not narrowed it down yet:

-loving
-forgiving
-patient
-giving
-peaceful
-hope
-accountable 

*My goal is that I will use the word to better myself, relationships with others and God, and to better my workplace.  Of course I know that it will be hard to do through out the whole year but I have wonderful friends that are going to hold me accountable and keep me on the right track. 

My Life

Things that I am loving about my life:
*My amazing friends that support me through hard times*My wonderful, generous, supportive, caring,....the list goes on boyfriend
*That even though my brother is not physically with me he is always watching over me and is no longer in pain
*I teach wonderful students
*I am almost done with my associates in Early Childhood
*I go to an amazing church: Crossroads Fellowship
*I have a family
*I have a car
*I have a house
*I have water to drink and food to eat
*I have clothes
*I have money
*I have a dog

love for a unknown child

Ever since I was around 11 I have wanted to adopt a child. I do not remember exactly how this idea came into my head other than that God has been showing me and getting me excited about adopting a child in the future. I know that this is something that God wants me to do because I used to be turned off by the idea, but I am now extremely excited about the fact that there might be a child out there that God wants to put in my life to call me mommy and for me to spoil him or her in love. There have been many times now where I have seen an image of a child in my head but I cant make it out fully, and all I can think about is what is their name, do they have loving parents, is there anything I could do for him/her, and the thought of the possibility that the child could be mine in the future just takes my breath away. All I can do is wait and see what God's plan is in my life.

My reasons to adopt:
-to show the child love
-to give a child a better opportunity
-to take care of one of God's children
-to see a smile on a child's face
-to make memories with someone that I will love
-to teach a child about God who may not have known or wanted to know because
of their situation
-to just be there for someone in need

My Challenges

There are many things that I am not perfect at but I am working on them

• Communication
• Grammar
  
• Driving
  
• Time Management
  
• Organization
  
• Being Open With Others
• Math Skills
  
• My Thoughts About Myself
  
• Being Strong In Hard Situations
  
• Caring More About Others
  
• My Teaching Skills
  
• Patience
  
• Taking My Time
  
• Thinking Before I Talk
  
• Writing Skills
  
• Understanding Others
  
• Sense Of Direction
• Anger Management
  

Homework :(

I know that teachers do not have enough time in the day to teach all the material that they are required to, so they give their students homework....and most of the time it is to much. Kindergartners are now coming home and spending about 30 minutes on homework instead of spending that time being a child. I never really learned anything from doing a worksheet other than the fact that I did not like to do them, and that school was not fun. I think that if a teacher is going to give out homework, they should first make sure that the students know the material well enough to be able to attempt the material. I also believe that homework should not always be worksheets, but should be learning experiences. Teachers should come up with creative ways to have their students reinforce the material at home. Teachers can come up with more creative ways to have students do homework if they think of all the multiple intelligences. I remember some of my favorite school projects/learning experiences was when I got to go outside or do a hands on activity. I have always learned best when I was able to do a hands on activity, or do an activity outside. I think teachers need to consider their students schedules and not bombarded them with so much homework that they do not have time to be a well rounded individual.

parents love

a question to ponder:
Do all parents love their children?
I have been thinking about it from many angles and
I would probably say no. It is hard for me to think that
a parent would love their child if they abused them
emotionally, physically, etc. It is also hard for me to believe
that a parent would love their child if they were doing drugs
while they were pregnant or around the child. Yes I think most
parents love their parent, but to say all parents love their child
I would have to disagree.

My Bucket List

• get married
  
• go to Italy, Australia, Greece,
  
• travel to all 50 states
  
• have at least 2 kids of my own: girl: will probably name Hannah Grace
  boy: will probably name Raymond John
  
• own a two story log cabin house
  
• complete college
  
• open my own dance studio
  
• adopt a child possibly 2
  
• own a boat
  
• learn to speak a foreign language fluently
  
• learn a new sport
  

OF ALL THE NEGATIVE THINGS WE HAVE TO SAY TO OURSELVES, GOD HAS A POSITIVE ANSWER …

You say: It’s impossible.

God says: All things are possible. –(Lk.18:27)

You say: I’m too tired.

God says: I will give you rest. –(Mat.11:28-30)

You say: Nobody really loves me.

God says: I love you. –(Jn.3:16; Jn.13:34)

You say: I can’t go on.

God says: My grace is sufficient. –(2Cor.12:9; Psa.91:15)

You say: I can’t figure things out.

God says: I will direct your steps –(Pro.3:5-6)

You say: I can’t do it

God says: You can do all things. –(Phi.4:13)

You say: I’m not able.

God says: I am able.–(2Cor.9:8 )

You say: It’s not worth it.

God says: It will be worth it.–(Rom.8:28 )

You say: I can’t forgive myself.

God says: I forgive you. –(1Jn.1:9; Rom.8:1)

You say: I can’t manage.

God says: I will supply all your needs. –(Phi.4:19)

You say: I’m afraid.

God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear. –(2Tim.1:7)

You say: I’m always worried and frustrated.

God says: Cast all your cares on Me. –(1Pet.5:7)

You say: I don’t have enough faith.

God says: I’ve given everyone a measure of faith. –(Rom.12:3)

You say: I’m not smart enough.

God says: I give you wisdom. –(1Cor.1:30)

You say: I feel all alone.

God says: I will never leave you or forsake you. –(Heb.13:5)

Santa Clause

To me Santa Clause is not an important part of Christmas. I feel like he takes away from the real meaning of Christmas, and therefore I would prefer not to teach my children about him. I feel like a child does not need to be lied to but then again what about the Easter bunny, Tooth fairy, Halloween and all those other holidays, should I let my children participate in those? I want my children to grow up knowing and fully understanding God, and I feel like they might get confused and be distracted by also being taught about Santa Clause. I do not want my children associating Santa Clause with Jesus because they are nothing alike. I know that children need to have fantasies and need to be allowed to be kids, but at the same time I do not to be putting lies into their heads, or having them associate the man in the red suite to Jesus. I think that I would tell them about St.Nicholas, but that I would not give them presents from Santa. I also would hate for my children to start thinking that if their parents lie to them about who gives them gifts, what else they might be lying to me about. When I get the opportunity to be a parent I believe that I will probably set up the tradition of having my children write a thank you letter to Jesus and a wish list for the upcoming year, we would also have a birthday celebration for Jesus either the night before Christmas or that day, and they would of course help decorate a Christmas tree, and hang stockings. Even though Christmas trees and stockings do not fall into the true meaning of Christmas I will still partake in that part of Christmas, so that my children can experience the religious side of Christmas as well as most of the cultural side.

Secuirty in God

Go watch my video testimony at:
http://vimeo.com/15379985

Parenting

No one is perfect, and no one has perfect parents. We all strive to be the best that we can be, but we will never be perfect because we are human. I have thought about how I want my future family to be, and the main things I want is for everyone to know, and love God, and to be happy. I want a family that sticks together in the good and bad, and will do anything for one another. I want a man that will be a spiritual leader for me and my children. I hope that I can be a good spiritual leader as well for my husband and children. I would like to have twins, but I know that probably will not happen, but only God knows. I do know that I would love to adopt 1-2 children. I have not figured out where I want to adopt them from, or the age of the children in which I would like to adopt. All I know is that I would be blessed to have a mixture of boys and girls. I am wanting to name one of my sons Raymond John in honor of my brother who was a spiritual leader for me as well as to others. I want to get my children involved in many activities, but I will not force them to continue them. I hope that my children would have interest in ballet/dance, soccer, music, wakeboarding, and church activites. I hope that God blesses me with a family that will help me grow closer to Him. For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11: I know that God has bigger plans than I could imagine for me and my future family.

In 8 years

In eight years I got to see you grow up from a small boy, to a strong, independent, smart, kind, godly boy. You have forever changed my life, and I will always miss you. You have changed many lives and I will never forget all the times I have held you, played with you, had sibling fights, wrestled you to the ground, and everything else we did together. I know you are in a better place now, but I wish you were still with me. I love you Raymond John Winter Jr.

Where and Who is God?

God is Everything and God is Everywhere.

He is perfect, just, loving, amazing, powerful,
all-knowing, he is the beginning, and the end. He is the creator of Everything.


He is a judge, a father, a King, ruler, governor, a friend
...He is Everything.

I Love You

I wish I got to spend my birthday with you, but I will always love you and remember you.

Life as a teacher

Being a teacher means that you have to be able to do many roles, you just aren't a teacher, but a custodian, librarian, a friend, an enforcer, a play mate, and many other things. In order to be a teacher you have to be patient, because there are going to be times where children will tell you that they have to go to the bathroom, and they will just stand there and pee on themselves, or you have to fight back the urge to yell at them when they try to flush toys down the toilet. Being a teacher is definitely an interesting a roll, and there are many rewards that come out of it. My favorite part of being a Pre-K teacher is seeing how children interact with one another, and how they respond to questions. I was recently asking my students what there favorite bible story was and one of the girls responded with "toy story 3, ABC." It is comments like those that make me want to teach children. I find it interesting how children can be more grown up than adults are at times. It amazes me how fast children can forgive one another, or how much they love everyone and are accepting of one another. I love teaching the children in my Pre-K class because not only am I teaching them every day, but they are also teaching me, and making me a better person. The hardest part of my job right now is listening to the children's prayers. They are so concerned with other individuals and they have a hard concept of death, so many of the children are still praying for God to heal Raymond, my brother. I find it interesting how children will discuss their prayer and my brother after they are done with their prayer. Many of the children will say that he is in heaven so we don't have to pray for him any more, while others will say we can still pray for him even though he is in heaven. If only our world would discuss God, prayers, and bible stories like the children in my classroom do, our world would be on fire for God.

New

So this past week I have spent it in Myrtle beach with my youth group from Crossroads. It was an amazing trip, and I was able to learn more about myself and God. I haven't always been in love with myself and there are many times were I havent thought I was good enough because of what others have said to me. Before this trip I have never really gone up to someone and asked them if I could pray for them, and I have never really talked to anyone other than Duke, Marissa, Dawn, and one or two other people about what is going on in my life. However this past week I was able to walk up to someone else and tell them a little about my life and then I asked them if I could pray for them. I was also able to tell the whole group what was going on in my life and what God had been doing. I have been challenging myself to view every situation as "what would Raymond and God want me to do". By having myself think in that manner I have turned negative situations into positives and have been able to see how fortunate I am. I am amazed at how many lives an 8 year old boy has changed, and then I think about what I have done for God and it doesnt even compare, he never complained, cried, he was a friend to everyone, and he shared Christ every where he went.

All for Him

With my brother no longer physically in my life it is quiet and not as enjoyable, but there is a reason for everything. My brother has suffered many medical issues and he is now in God's arms and he will no longer be in pain, no longer have to go to the hospital, no longer have to suffer, no longer have to deal with sin. My brother was a very special boy who lived for God. We had to keep him out of church for awhile since it was a large church and he could not afford to get sick. One day when we took him he decided to get up on the stage and sit next to the teacher, he later interrupted the teacher to finish the bible story. Raymond loved listening to bible stories and showing God's love to others. There were numerous time where he showed how we should act like Christ. One time he feel at our lake house and hit his chin on the fire place, we drove him all the way back to Duke and he sat still, with no drugs and was stitched up and when the doctors were finished he thanked them. He later had to get stitches in his head and again he got them without drugs and again he stayed still the whole time and thanked the doctors again. He was not even 3 years old when he had to get stitches in his head and chin. He has had to go through 5 open heart surgeries and he is so strong and never gave up that he survived every one, even though doctors told us numerous times that he should not be alive. After going to First Grade for a week he got the H1N1 virus and he was admitted into the hospital and later put on full life support. When he was taken off he was not ready to be taken off and it had to be an emergency surgery, and doctors said that he had slim chances of surviving ; but God pulled him through and he lived several more months, and he was walking and talking eating and working on puzzles soon after. While in Michigan a central line had to be put into him, and normally individuals are sedated for this procedure, but he was not, and because God was living in him he was able to comforted the doctor when he reached up and stroked her arm. That doctor later told my parents that "that child has Jesus living in him"(or something like that). No matter where Raymond has been he has brought many people to Christ because of his story and I am grateful to have had him in my life and to be able to call him my brother. He has taught me that we have to be happy with what we have, and that we should never give up, and that having a relationship with God is the most important thing in the world, because you wont always have materials, friends, parents, siblings, a job, or even your life, and that you need to make most of what you have while you have it. I am grateful that I had such an incredible brother who I was able to learn a lot from and be able to come closer to God because of him. I may not like the plan that God had for him, and I may be upset that I do not have my brother around anymore but I know that he is in better hands and that he will always be watching out for me like he always has. I will always love you and remember you Raymond. <3 6-11-2002-7-9-2010 <3. In honor of Raymond I am planning on opening a dance studio, because one of our favorite things to do together was to have dance parties in my room, so I want to honor him in that way.

What I love about you

My brother was my first true friend, and he was like a son to me. We did everything together. There would be days where he would crawl into my bed around 2 am and put his arm around me. We played sports together, and I allowed him to drive our jet ski faster than my mom allowed him to go. We used to cook dinner together and have movie nights and he would sit on my lap and we would hold hands. There are many things that I am going to miss about him. He was such a kind, strong, brave, amazing child, who loved to please people and make others laugh and have a good time. I cannot express how much he meant to me, and how much he still means to me.

I will miss:
his curly blond hair
his smile
his laugh
holding his hand
holding him in my arms
laying with him
his hugs
his kisses
taking him and picking him up from school
seeing him get out of the car with his book bag on that he got from Dawn that was big on him and watching him try and carry his lunch box at the same time
early morning wake up calls at the lake
driving the boat and jet ski with him
having dinner with him
watching him use chop sticks
watching movies with him
having him carry my purse around
putting hair clips in his hair
taking care of him
going to his soccer games
having him come to my soccer games and football games when I was in marching band
having him in the car
listening to him sing his random songs
having him take over chores
his millions of questions
having him ask what time is it
playing on the swing set with him
playing soccer in the back yard with him
teaching him math problems
working with him on his school work
having him go shopping with me
his discussions on how i need to eat healthy and clean my room
his funny sayings
having him say my name
having him tell me I love you
the random dance parties we had together
watching nc state games with him
playing air hockey and wii
having him beat me in memory and hi ho cheerios
listening to him play my instruments
packing his lunch with him
having you not drive your cars around our yard
celebrating you birthday with you
not having you around for my birthday or to see me get married or have kids
finding random juice boxes everywhere from where you put them down
eating watermelon and mint choc. chip ice cream with you
not having a back seat driver
doing puzzles with you
going on tube rides
and watching you grow up

I love you and will miss many things about you but you will always be remembered and you will always be in my heart
Love you
6-11-2002 - 7-9-2010

Death

Many of us are afraid to die, we don't know where we are going, we don't like to leave loved ones behind, we are afraid it might hurt and many other reasons. I have recently got to watch an individual die, my brother. He was only eight but he had gone through so many medical problems, and he had been in pain for a long time, and he was not going to be getting any better. His health had gotten so bad that he was unable to talk, open his eyes, and he could hardly move his arms up and down. Raymond was an incredible fighter and he was such a strong individual. On Friday morning, the day after we brought him home he looked like he was suffering a lot so my parents decided that it was necessary to speed up the process because we did not want him to suffer. His drugs were turned off, but because he is such a fighter he lasted longer than what was suspected. Raymond lasted almost 3 hours after the meds were turned off. Raymond is now in a better place where he will be watching over my family and living a better, happier life in Heaven. We all loved him and we will all miss him a lot.

I love you Raymond June 11th, 2002-July 9th, 2010.

giving up

When is the right time to give up? To me I think saying that something is impossible is going against God and your faith in him. I know that God can do anything and everything, we just have to put our faith and trust in him. I know that my brother has been through a lot in the past 10 months, but I still think that he will pull through. The doctors at Duke and Michigan both think that he will not make it, and they both do not want to give him a heart because they think he is to high of a risk. Raymond is not the person who he used to be, he can barley sit up, he is not talking/responding, he doesnt do puzzles, and he sleeps most of the day. Since Raymond is not responding to questions by shaking his head or saying yes or no we have a hard time figuring out what he wants and needs and if he is alright. We do not want him to be in pain or unhappy and it is hard for us to read him at times. Doctors have had meetings with my parents every monday saying that Raymond is dying and that there isnt much more that we could do for him. The doctors at Michigan want us to transport him back to Duke so he can have a quality of life, and my parents have to start thinking about taking things off of him. My parents do not know if Raymond is happy or if he just wants this to be over with, so they are having a hard time deciding what to do. If it was me I would keep fighting because there are times where I see the old side of Raymond shinning through. I know that God has a plan for him and it may not be the plan that I want but I know either way it will be perfect. If Raymond does end up going he will be in a better place but he will be missed a lot and my life wont be the same without him. Raymond is a fighter and I know that if he was given a heart he would pull through and be back to himself but the doctors are not willing to give him one. God will never leave us or forsake that and Raymond knows that because as soon as some Christian music was turned on today in his room he perked up and started smiling a lot. I wish I could be more like Raymond he is such a fighter, and he loves everyone even if they make mistakes. He is such an incredible person and I love him a lot.

the hardest part

My brother turned 8 on June 11th, 2010. We have always done pretty much everything together. He used to come into my room late at night and sleep with me because he was scared. We had movies night together and he would always sit by me or in my lap. As soon as I would get home from school the first thing I would do was hold him and play with him. We would ride around in his motorized cars together, and swing on our swing set together. I also have taught him many things. He had started to learn how to cook some things such as mac-n-cheese, nachos, spaghetti sauce, and a few other things. We worked on school work together along with his speech assignments, and I was beginning to work on some math skills with him before he went into the hospital. Now everything has changed, my brother and I cant even do our regular bed time routine. We used to always give each other hugs and a kiss before we go to bed and I would tuck him in but now that he is at the hospital there are many days that I havent even been able to say good night to him. I also miss holding him, and us wrestling. He is currently bed ridden because his tummy is so big and he is not feeling well he does not like to get out of bed. I also miss not having to take him to school and pick him up, that used to be a time where we would bond and talk about random things. We would also pack his school lunch together and he loved that because he I would give him what he wanted but I also made sure it was healthy. It has been hard to see him be able to do so many things to just be in a bed all the time. He still shows some signs of himself though. He recently was fighting me for some coke. He has said hey and ren wont give me coke, and he has also given stuff to Michelle when I have asked for it. Only God knows what is going to happen with him, so for now I am just going to be there for him, and love him like I always have.

the missing part

Today my family went out to BD a Mongolian grill in MI, except it wasnt my whole family, Raymond Jr. was missing. It was hard to be there without him, one of his favorite places to eat is at crazy fire and that BD is similar to that crazy fire, they have the same type of food and atmosphere. Raymond loves to be in a atmosphere that are loud, social, and friendly, and he especially loved to be with friends and family. Family is important and it is hard to do things with out a family member especially if you are close to that family member. I always imaged doing certain things with my brother. I have always imagined that he was going to be involved and in my wedding, and that he would help me raise my children. I have always thought that my brother would be an amazing father, so I have always imagined that he would assist me with my children and help them become more like him since he is a great role model. However I do not know if my brother will be around to participate in certain events in my life. If he is not around I will at least honor him in those events, and I will definitely tell my children about him. My brother is a great role model, and person to be around, and I can't imagine my life without him, but if it is his time to go I know that he will be in God's hands and he will be in a great place.

goals

goals for this summer:
-to visit Raymond
-to spend quality time with friends
-to go to the pool at least one
-complete summer classes with an A
-to read half of the old testament-but not just read it, learn it
-to become a better friend and Christian
-to just enjoy the time I have
-try and figure out which college I am going to after Wake Tech

goals in life:
-to life out my life for God
-to possibly open up a Christian dance studio
-to be the best person I can be
-finish a degree in early childhood education
-achieve a degree in a ministry field
-possibly achieve a degree in dance
-to be a good wife
-have children and be a good mother
-have a house

I want my life to be all for my Father, the whole who gave me everything. He gave me life, a family, a brother that has changed me forever, a house. I want to give back what God has given me, and hopefully I will be able to by teaching children how to dance, if that is what God wants me to. God has a plan for me, and I do not know what it is but when He shows me I hope that I will obey.

my second love

my first love: God
second love: Raymond

complications

When life starts to get bad should we run away and hide, NO. Should we turn against the ones who have always been there for us, No. Should we change who we are, NO. But that is what we tend to do, we tend to change our identity, desires, and wants, based on what is going on around us. However there is someone that never changes and He is the almighty, all powerful, all knowing, never ending, He is the one in control and He is the Lord, Savior, and Father Jesus Christ. There have been many complications in my life in the last couple of months...almost a year. My brother has been through a lot and he has almost been in a hospital for a year now. He was first at Duke, then Levine, and now he is at Michigan and they are trying to get him stable enough to transport him back to Duke to to have a quality of life and just wait to die. I havent been around him to see all the complications that have occurred because when he was first at Duke there were restrictions on who was allowed in the hospital. However yesterday July 2nd I was around to experience two complications. My family was out having lunch while my brother was getting his dialysis treatment, and when we got back we walked into his room which was chaotic. There were many nurses trying to fix the machine and figure out what to do, because the water in the machine stopped working, so the treatment had to be stopped and they had to give him his blood back. As soon as that machine was out another nurse was rolling in an x-ray machine. Then things started to calm back down and Raymond started to interact a little more. Then right before we were about to go get some food I notice that Raymond was bleeding from his bottom, and that started around 7ish or so. The blood wouldnt stop coming as soon as some of it was cleaned up there would be more. We were measuring every little drop that we possibly could. The doctors ended up having to give him 2 bags of red blood cells along with two other blood products to help the bleeding to stop. We had many nurses come in and try and figure out why he was bleeding and what was causing it, and we did some more x-rays. The bleeding did not stop till well after 3 I believe, but I left to go back to the Ronald McDonald House because I was so tired and I wanted to get some sleep so I could help Raymond the next day and I knew that he was in good hands. I came back to the hospital around 9ish this morning, and things have definitely calmed down a lot, and Raymond seems to be a little more comfortable. There have also been other complications that have occurred in my life. I have had to learn how to juggle going to college, along with working full time at ITB, being a parent, and a adult who is in charge of the house, and also having my first serious relationship all at once. The experiences that I have been given over this time have been excellent and bad all at the same time. I have had to learn how to manage my time and get everything done, how to be patient, understanding, forgiving, grateful, and much more. I have learned what a true friend should be, and what I need to do in order to be that kind of friend. I have changed over the past couple of months and I can say that I am love who I am becoming. I have fallen in love with myself and it has taken a long time to get to that point but the experience of realizing it was absolutely amazing, but it was all because of God. I have also fallen more in love with God and have put more faith and trust in him which has helped me be content with what is occurring in my life. I am loving my "new" life, and the "new" me. I do not want to go back to the old me where I wasnt loving myself, or treating my friends how I shouldnt be, and not giving my time to God.

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th is known as a day where a lot of bad things will occur, and yesturday Friday the 2nd was like Friday the 13th. Raymond was having a pretty good day and he was interacting more than he normally does, and then he started dialysis and it was going well till the water in the machine was not working the right way or there wasnt enough. So the treatment had to stop and they had to give him his blood back, but he did not get all of it back. After that he got some x-rays and things were starting to get better again. Raymond had said hey to me and he had his eyes open for longer amounts of time. Then right before we were going to get some dinner I notived that he had a full diapper of blood. As we were getting that diapper off of him more blood started to come out of him and he had blood come out of him from around 6-after 10. We ended up having to give him 2 things of blood along with two other blood products. During this time Raymond was interacting with us a lot, he had his eyes open most of the time he was reaching out for us to hold his hands and he said another word to me, and he would also answer some questions. It may seem at times like there is no God because bad things are occuring but there is, because Raymond is still alive after being on ECMO, he has survived 5 open heart surgeries, he has learned how to walk, talk, eat, etc 3 times. Psalms 32:7 says "you shall be my hiding place, you shall preserve me from trouble you shall surround me with songs of deliverance." God is our hiding place, He is the one we can always go to with our troubles and when we are in need, and He knows what is best even when we think there is a better way. Psalm 32:11 Be glad in the Lord and rejoice you righteous and shout for joy all you upright in heart. It is hard to be glad and joyful all the time but we were given the chance to live and we are free because God died on the cross for us, so we should praise him in the good and the bad.

MI

Michelle and I both arrived in the MI airport close to 8pm. We were in our brother's room around 30-45 minutes later. Raymond has changed a lot since he has been at Duke hospital. Before Raymond came to MI he was talking and responding to us, but couldn't really walk, and wasn't eating a lot on his own. Now Raymond will hardly respond to our questions, he sleeps most of the day, and we hardly ever get to see his eyes open. The second day that we were here we had a party outside. There was a band that was playing and another patient that was in a car accident came over and talked to Raymond for a little while. Raymond ended up opening his eyes for a good amount of time while we were outside. He later allowed me to feed him some of his b-day cake, and some sherbet, and he also had some watermelon later. Raymond was later visited by a singer who sang some Christian songs, and he had his eyes open the whole time for one of the songs. Raymond has been missing Buddy our dog, and while we were outside a golden retriever came and visited him, and even gave him a kiss. It takes a lot of effort to get Raymond outside, we had his bed, his vent, med lines, transportable suction machine, transportable ox stat, meds, and many other supplies. Raymond enjoyed just being outside, we ended up staying outside for about 6 hours, and he looks a lot better since he was in the sun. Our family is currently staying at the Ronald Mc Donald House which is right across the street and we end up walking back around 12-1pm to get some sleep before coming over early the next morning.

last couple of months

My life has been up and down and going in all different directions in the last well nine months.

Lets see my father was in the hospital for being burnt trying to start a pig cookerThen a week after that Rj or Raymond Jr was put in the hospital-he had caught the H1N1 virus and was put on full life support a week after being admitted to Duke and then had to have an emergency surgery to come off of it because bubbles were in the machine and he had failed all the test before and he was given 8% chance of survival and he is still here today because of God
Luckily during this I had some pretty amazing friends

I had started to become closer friends with Marissa Kernand towards the end of 2009 i was in a relationship with my best friend Duke
they both have been there for me and supported me through everything
they are my best friends and hopefully it will always stay that way

There were some other friends that have helped me out a lot and that I am grateful to have and they are Kevin, Hannah, Cassandra, Dawn, the whole Potter family, Andrews, many people at ITB

Duke and I have recently broke up more many reasons but the experience was memorable, and what I have learned will stay with me for the rest of my life. I am grateful to have had such an incredible man in my life. He showed me how to be more like Christ, how I could be a better person, and he made me realize that I was better than what I thought.

Life will never be how you expect it there will be paths that you may not want to take, and experience you would have never have wanted to experience. However God is the director in everyone's life and I am glad that He is directing mine otherwise I have no idea what I would be doing. I am glad that God has never given up on me and that He has forgiven me of all my mistakes, without second guessing.

:)

My sister and I are getting on a plane and flying to Michigan tom. to see our brother. We havent seen him since... I cant even remember.

importance

My main goal in life is to make God famous. My life wont be of any importance until that task is done. This task may seem complicated, but if you think about it is actually simple. Making God famous could be as simple as showing God's love in simple ways, such as giving a hug to someone who is going through a hard time. God commands us to love Him and to love others, and when we obey Him we are making Him famous. Just imagine our whole world trying to make the one true God famous, our world would be a glorious place. There have been days that I have not shown God's love and have not shown the Christian side of me that I want me to know. We all need someone that can hold us accountable and can help us stand strong against Satan who is trying to make this task impossible. But when two or more come together to honor God great things occur. So I am going to challenge everyone that knows me to hold me accountable that if you see me not honoring God or not doing my best that you tell me right then. I need help to complete this task and to make my life meaningful for Him. I would love to one day honor God by open a Christian dance studio where I can teach young children about God's love and teach them the beauty of dance. I believe that I can do this because I have God on my side, and because He has given me the talent to teach as well as dance. I can't wait to see what He does through me.

Lies

There are many lies that our world has begun to believe, and many of them are caused by Satan. Satan loves to try and tear us down, and make us believe stuff about ourselves that are not true. I have been caught up in some of the lies and I had changed who I was because of them. Some of the lies that I have been holding onto that I have recently given to God are:
-That I am not worthy or good enough for anything
-That I will never be a good enough daughter
-That I will never be a good girlfriend/wife
-That I wont be a good mom
-That I am not smart enough
-That I am not a good enough friend
All of those lies are NOT true! God has given everyone a purpose and a plan and He tells us that in Jer 29:11. God created everyone in His image so we are ALL worthy, good enough, and beautiful.

Kern's

I have never been the girl to have many girlfriends, because I am a tomboy. Many of the girls that I knew did not like to play sports because they were afraid of breaking a nail or being gross, so my group of friends normally consisted of guys. However in the past year or so I have started to become really good friends with the Kern twins. I first meet Marissa at Crossroads around a year or so ago...we don't even remember when. We first just started to hang out at church more, but then we did some double dates with Kevin and Duke. Marissa has been an amazing friend and she has helped me through a lot of rough times, and has helped me make sense out of my crazy life. She holds me accountable and is always there when I need her. Now for crazy Beth who I have just recently started to hang out a little more with. Beth is an incredible person to be around, and there is never a dull moment when she is around. Her personality and craziness is what I enjoy most about her, and I hope to continue to get to know her even more. Both of the Kern's are amazing and I am glad that I have had the chance to get to know them. I love both of yall.

The perfect boyfriend

Many people think the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend is someone with a great body, is popular, and is on a sports team. To me the perfect boyfriend isn't the sexy guy with the big muscles who has to prove himself on a sports field. The perfect man for me is a Christian guy, who will hold me accountable, be there for me, support me,not judge me, but encourage me, and love me even when I mess up. The perfect man is someone who will listen, he will protect me, not treat me as an item, and he will act himself around me. However there is NO such this a perfect man, because we ALL are sinners, and we ALL fall short of the glory of God. When it comes to being in a relationship you need to make sure that it is for the right reasons. Both individuals should have a strong friendship and feel like they can go to one another, it should be built on God's love and trust. A healthy relationship is only possible when God is involved, and you can't fully love someone else till you love God and yourself.

anger

My past has dictated how I am now, and I wish it didn't. Events with my parents and other individuals have caused me to be angry and hostile towards other individuals that I care about. I have been hurt a lot in my past and it has caused me not to be open or social with others that I love and care a lot about. I now realize how important it is to be open with others and how much others want me to share thing with them. I have had a hard time trusting others because of my past and this has caused me not to be open. Parents are supposed to be there for you during important events of your life and support you through everything. However because of my brothers condition my parents were unable to be there during important times in my life, and there have been times where they haven't supported me. My father and I have not had the best relationship over the past couple of years, but I am happy to say that I have recently forgiven him for what he has done. My past has caused me to be very angry and has not allowed me to be myself. I however have changed over the past couple of weeks because I have allowed God to change me and take all my burdens. When I gave God all my worries, burdens, and everything that I was holding onto it allowed me to change. I have now fallen in love with myself because I have realized that there is someone that will always be there for me, and that all the things I were believing were just lies. I am perfect because I was made in God's image and I can do anything and everything because of Him. I have changed because God has allowed me to and because His love and truth has fulfilled my heart and life. Having God be my true friend has helped me through everything. He has helped me realize that things happen for a reason and that I may not like them or that I may not like the timing that God chooses, but His plan is perfect. I am glad that God never stays angry at us for the sins that we have and that He forgives us and "brushes them under the carpet". I didn't understand how to forgive or the true meaning of forgiveness till my boyfriend and I broke up. I had many individuals that are important in my life talk to me about forgiveness and how God is always forgiving and that we should always forgive because He unconditionally forgives us. I am grateful that I have been forgiven of all my sins and that God hasn't given up on me. I can honestly say that I have been forever changed because of God and it is amazed.

friends

Friends are important to have, and you should keep your friends close to you. A true friend is hard to find, and hard to keep. I would say that I didn't have a true friend till recently. I was in a relationship with an amazing Christian guy who treated me better than I deserved, who held me accountable, and challenged me in many ways. Then our relationship ended and it seemed like I was loosing my best friend. To loose a friend is one of the hardest thing someone can go through, especially if they are your best friend, and a true friend. I know that I haven't "lost" him as a friend, and that he is still there for me, but things are different. It has been hard to go from talking to my best friend when ever I wanted, and needed, to having to just settle talking to other friends. A friend is someone who is supposed to be there whenever you need them, they are supposed to know you, and accept you for who you are, and also hold you accountable. I never had a friend like this till I was in my last relationship, all my other friends would talk about me as soon as I turned my back, or would cut me down, and they never built me up. I have been trying to find friends who would be a true friend and I have started to find some, but at the same time I have a hard time trusting others because of how I was treated in the past. I would say that the only true friends I have had are Duke and Marissa, but they will never compare to the friendship that God has given me. God has been there for me through everything, He has lifted me up when I was at my lowest, He has provided, and He is what a true friend is. I am happy to have God as my best and ultimate friend who I can always turn to no matter what time of day, or where I am at, He is EVERYTHING and more.

Growing up to fast

Our society is growing up to fast, with “having” to take more advanced classes, have a job, sports teams, clubs, and also juggle being part of a family and having a social life with friends. Childhood is important for children and when they have to grow up to fast they don’t get to make memories that will last a lifetime. I was forced to grow up when my brother was born eight years ago. With my brother having a major heart condition and having my parents focus on him and not be able to be there for certain events in my life I had to grow up fast. Since my brother was not fully recovered when school was starting back up again my sister and I had to come home and live with our neighbors till our parents could come home. I had to start middle school with out my parents and later I also started high school with out them. I also had to grow up and take many of the business responsibilities when Raymond was admitted into the hospital September 2009. I had to take over all the supply shopping, cutting the grass, moving furniture, and other small details. Even though growing up fast has been stressful at times, everything is under control and possible with God. God always has a plan and a purpose for everything and He will never leave us or forsake us.

Hope

It is hard to have hope when it seems like everything is falling apart, but there is someone that can give you hope through everything and that individual is Jesus. Jesus is not only a Savior, but a friend, Father, He is Everything. For He came for us, He came to take away our sins, He came to show us how to be more like Him and much more. Without the Savior there wouldn’t be hope, love, life, joy, a future,…..we wouldn’t be here without HIM. There have been many times were I didn’t have hope, because of what was going around me, and I didn’t but my faith and trust in God. When my brother was diagnosed with his condition I didn’t know what my family was going to do. I didn’t know what my parents were going to decide for Raymond. When my brother has his first open heart surgery I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I had no idea what to expect, and I had no idea why God was allowing this to happen to my brother. God is a healer and I kept thinking if He is such a powerful and mighty God why wont He just heal him right now, and stop all of his pain. It was hard watching my brother lay in a hospital bed weeks after weeks and not open his eyes or barley move. Then when my sister and I had to come home from Michigan to go to school and not be with our brother it was hard to just not be around him every day. When my brother came home for the first time it was an experience in itself. We were reunited as a family again, and we started to be a family again. Just having my brother in the house was a miracle in itself, and we got to see him smile, and fall in love with us. There were many struggles that our family had to learn how to deal with, such as keeping up with all of his medications, trying not to have him cry because it is already hard enough for him to breath, and then we had to deal with a feeding tube. I loved the time that I got to feed my brother because it was one on one bonding time with him, and even though it was hard because I had to hold the bottle above my head so it would go into the tube the right way. Our family had to give up many things when our brother came home but we did it because we love him, and he means a lot to us. We stopped going to our church Crossroads Fellowship because there were a lot of individuals that attended and we couldn’t risk getting an illness that we could bring home to him, because it could have possibly killed him. Raymond was able to accomplish many things that doctors never imagined he would have been able to. Raymond later had 2 more open heart surgeries and the third stage (his third operation) had to be reversed (which was his fourth open heart surgery). Raymond ended up having to learn everything over again after either his third and fourth surgery, which included everything from sitting up. Raymond had been able to sit up, stand, walk, run, talk, sing, site bible verses, eat on his own, and other small task, but after the 3/4^th surgery he wasn’t able to do any of those tasks till weeks after he home, and even then he had not fully mastered them. It is amazing what God can accomplish and the plans that He has and that medical individuals are able to operate on such small hearts, which is only possible by God. Raymond over time was able to gain back all the skills that he had lost after the operations, and almost 2 years later the third surgery was done again, and this time it was successful, and he came home quicker than he normally did. Raymond was able to go to kindergarten and he completed the year and he was on track. Raymond started and complete at least a week in First Grade, before he got the H1N1 virus, and was hospitalized at the beginning of September. He was then put on full life support a couple days after, and was on it for almost a full month and had to come off because there were bubbles in the machine and he had to come off. At that time it seemed like God wasn’t there, but in fact He was and had always been, because Raymond was still alive. We were all surprised that he survived coming off life support because he had failed many of the test runs before, but right before they took him off are whole family got together and prayed, and of course God answered, because He always does. Raymond was able to open all of his Christmas presents on his own, and he spoke to us and was involved and showing us that he was still himself. Raymond was later transported to Levine Children’s hospital and he was there for a month. When he came home for the first time after being in the hospital since September, he was able to walk into the house on his own which was a miracle. To see him walk into the house on his own gave me faith that everything was going to be alright with Raymond and with my life. Raymond has been back in forth in the hospital several times and he was transported to Michigan to try and get a new heart, but because he has so many organs failing he is unable to get a new heart, and the doctors are trying to get him ready to come home to try and recover at home till he can hopefully get a new heart. I never truly understand how God is always around, how he can give us hope, and everything we want until recently. I discovered that you can only fully yourself when you realize that God created you in His image and He created everyone perfectly. God also allowed me to forgive my father for past events that occurred over 10 years ago, and by doing this I came closer to God and was happier with myself. When we trust and have faith in God he shows us His plan and He gives us peace about everything that is going to occur. We may think that some situations are horrible but they occur for a reason and good things come out of every situation.